One activity. Hundreds of words.
A language capable of describing anything chose to spend its energy here, and it did not do half a job of it. Tactical. Posh. Danger. Stealth. Every one of them catalogued below with the gravity normally reserved for cathedral architecture. Nobody asked us to do this. We did it anyway.
Nothing matches that, which is genuinely impressive given the competition.
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- Hand shandyA cheerfully nonsensical British euphemism for masturbation, blending a body part with a half-pint drink to oddly dignified effect.
- Hate wankA wank in which the subject of the fantasy is someone the participant actively despises, the contradiction being, regrettably, the appeal.
- Hedge pornPornographic magazines found abandoned in hedgerows and woodland, Britain's unofficial pre-internet distribution network.
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- Lads' magsBritish men's magazines of the 1990s and 2000s that combined not-quite-top-shelf photos with football, beer, and the quiet hope nobody's mum would notice.
- Lazy wankA wank undertaken with minimal effort or enthusiasm, typically horizontal, often motivated more by boredom than any genuine physical interest.
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- Sad wankA solitary, joyless wank performed as consolation after a dispiriting event, typically in the dark with no pretence of enjoyment.
- SmutThe standard British word for anything sexually suggestive, from dirty jokes to dodgy novels, used affectionately since roughly the 17th century.
- Stealth wankA wank conducted under conditions of strict operational silence in an occupied house, where success is defined by the total absence of evidence.
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- Tactical wankA preparatory wank before a date or social occasion, undertaken so that one's judgement is not clouded by anything below the waist.
- Top shelfBritish term for pornographic magazines kept on the highest shelf in newsagents, out of children's reach, now any explicit material.
- Tossing offOne of the oldest British euphemisms for masturbation, in use since at least 1735 and the etymological ancestor of the insult 'tosser'.