Cry wank

What is a cry-wank

A cry-wank is the act of having a wank while simultaneously crying. Not performatively. Not a single dignified tear rolling down one cheek like a scene from a war memorial unveiling. Proper crying. The sort that involves a runny nose, irregular breathing, and a complete inability to explain yourself if anyone were to walk in. The tears are typically brought on by heartbreak, grief, loneliness, or the sudden realisation at 2am that your ex has updated their relationship status. The wank is brought on by the usual reasons, which require no elaboration here.

What distinguishes the cry-wank from merely feeling a bit low while attending to oneself is the simultaneity. Both activities must be happening at once. A wank followed by a cry is just a Tuesday. A cry followed by a wank is a recovery strategy. A cry-wank is both at the same time, which is either impressively efficient or deeply concerning, depending on whom you ask. Most people, wisely, do not ask.

Origins and cultural standing

The compound “cry-wank” follows the established British tradition of attaching an emotional modifier to the word “wank” and producing something that requires no further explanation. Like the sad wank, the hate wank, or the angry wank, it names a specific emotional register of an activity the nation would rather not discuss in detail but has, characteristically, catalogued with taxonomic precision.

The term has been in common use since at least the early internet forum era, though the practice it describes is almost certainly as old as heartbreak itself. One imagines early humans managing something similar in caves, albeit without the added indignity of a phone screen illuminating their face.

The cry-wank occupies a not insignificant place in British culture. It has been referenced in stand-up routines, mentioned in broadsheet columns (tastefully, one assumes), and is understood without explanation in any pub from Plymouth to Aberdeen. The Manchester band Crywank, active since 2009, adopted the term as their name, which tells you everything you need to know about its cultural standing and nothing whatsoever about the band’s personal habits.

How it is used

“She left me three weeks ago. I’ve done nothing but cry-wank and watch Bake Off. Honestly, Paul Hollywood is the only man I trust now.”

“Is there a word for when you start crying during a wank, or does it only count the other way round?” “That’s still a cry-wank, mate. The entry point doesn’t matter. It’s about where you end up.”

The term functions as both noun and verb with equal fluency. “Having a cry-wank” and “cry-wanking” are both understood, though neither should appear on a LinkedIn profile or, for that matter, within earshot of your nan. The abbreviated form “cranking” (cry plus wanking) exists in some circles but has not achieved widespread adoption, possibly because it sounds too much like something you might do to a lawnmower.

There is a school of thought, admittedly not one with formal academic backing, that the cry-wank serves a genuine therapeutic purpose. The theory holds that combining emotional release with physical release is not unlike pressing two lift buttons at once: perhaps not how the system was designed to work, but not entirely without results. We are not qualified to comment on the science. We are barely qualified to comment on the terminology. But we did build an entire dictionary around it, so here we are.

Related terms

The cry-wank sits at the more emotionally involved end of the spectrum. The sad wank is its quieter, drier-eyed cousin, marked by joylessness rather than active weeping. One can have a sad wank and keep one’s composure entirely intact; the cry-wank, by definition, does not extend that courtesy. The hate wank channels its energy outward, directed at someone specific with considerable ill will. The cry-wank directs everything inward, which is, come to think of it, rather British of it.

For the full catalogue of British self-care terminology, from the composed to the inconsolable, the SmartWank Dictionary remains at your service. We would say “chin up,” but given the circumstances, that advice may prove structurally difficult to follow.