Hate wank

What it means

A hate wank is the act of masturbating while deliberately fantasising about a specific person you cannot stand. Not someone you are indifferent to; someone who genuinely irritates, offends, or enrages you. A colleague who takes credit for your work. A politician whose face you cannot bear. Your mate’s dreadful ex who, and this is the difficult part, happens to be rather fit.

The defining feature is the contradiction. The participant is fully aware that they find this person awful, holds that opinion with complete sincerity, and elects to proceed anyway. The self-directed disappointment that follows is not a side effect. It is, in many ways, the main course.

This is not a term that anyone uses with pride. It is confessed, usually to a close friend, usually after the third pint, and usually with the specific facial expression of a man who has lost a private argument with himself.

Where it comes from

The phrase has circulated in British slang since at least the early 2000s, surfacing in lad culture, comedy panel shows, and the sort of late-night conversations that nobody would choose to have sober. Its structure follows the established British pattern of sticking a qualifier in front of “wank” to describe the emotional circumstances: sad wank, angry wank, cheeky wank. Where the angry wank is defined by the participant’s mood, the hate wank is defined by the target.

The distinction is not trivial. An angry wank could involve anyone or no one in particular. A hate wank requires a named individual, and that individual must be someone the participant has strong and specifically negative opinions about. The anger is focused outward, at a person, rather than inward at the general state of one’s Tuesday. This specificity is what makes it such an uncomfortable thing to admit to.

The British genius, as ever, is in having coined a two-word phrase that captures an entire psychological crisis.

How it is used

“I’m not proud of this, right, but Gemma from accounts. Absolute nightmare of a human being. Microwaves fish in the office kitchen. And yet. Had a hate wank about her last Thursday and I haven’t been able to make eye contact since.”

“He says it wasn’t a hate wank because he respects her professionally. Mate, you called her a walking HR violation at lunch. That is textbook hate wank. You don’t get to reclassify it after the fact.”

The term functions almost exclusively as a confession. One does not announce a hate wank in advance; one admits to it afterwards, typically with a tone of genuine bewilderment at one’s own behaviour. It pairs naturally with phrases like “I’m not proud of this” and “look, I know what it sounds like.”

It can also be used as an accusation, though this is considered poor form. Telling someone they are “hate wank material” is not, despite the superficial logic, a compliment. It is closer to saying that a person is simultaneously unbearable and, through no fault of anyone’s, not entirely unattractive. Very few people take this well.

The distinction from an angry wank

The hate wank and the angry wank are frequently confused, and we would be neglecting our lexicographical duties if we did not intervene. An angry wank is about the physical state of the participant. You are furious, you need an outlet, the mechanics are vigorous. The target of the fantasy, if there is one, is beside the point.

A hate wank is the opposite. The mechanics are unremarkable. It is the choice of subject that is the problem. The angry wanker is a man who has had a bad day. The hate wanker is a man who has had an unwelcome thought and, rather than dismissing it like a reasonable adult, has followed it to its logical and deeply regrettable conclusion.

One is a physical release. The other is a philosophical crisis that happens to involve the same general activity.

Related entries

If your difficulties are with the emotional circumstances rather than the target, the angry wank may be a closer fit for your situation. For those whose private life involves more logistical peril than psychological torment, the danger wank offers a different flavour of poor decision-making. And for a complete tour of the nation’s capacity for naming things that do not strictly need names, the dictionary is always accepting visitors.