Bashing the bishop

What does bashing the bishop mean?

Bashing the bishop is a British euphemism for male masturbation. It is one of the oldest, most widely recognised, and least subtle entries in the national vocabulary of self-pleasure, which is saying something for a country that also invented the hand shandy. The phrase belongs to that proud tradition of British English in which a deeply private act is described as though it were a minor sporting incident involving a member of the clergy. We are not entirely sure what the Church of England thinks about this. We have not asked.

Etymology and origins

Two competing etymologies exist, and the polite one is almost certainly wrong.

The first explanation points to chess. A bishop, being a tall, pointed piece, might conceivably be “bashed” during an enthusiastic game. This is the version you would offer to a schoolteacher or, if pressed, to an actual bishop. It is a perfectly respectable derivation. It is also not the real one.

The second, rather less printable, explanation observes that a bishop’s mitre (the tall ceremonial hat worn during services) bears an unfortunate resemblance to a particular part of the male anatomy. The phrase, then, is not about chess at all. It is about headwear. We regret to inform you that this is almost certainly the correct origin, and we apologise for the mental image now forming in your mind the next time you watch a cathedral procession.

Variants abound. Flogging the bishop substitutes a slightly more vigorous verb. Strangling the sheriff shifts to law enforcement. One off the wrist abandons metaphor altogether in favour of grim mechanical accuracy. The British have, it must be said, not been idle in this particular department of linguistic creativity.

How it is used

The phrase sits comfortably in pub conversation, sitcom dialogue, and the sort of text message you would not want your nan to intercept. It is not entirely formal. It is also not entirely vulgar. It occupies that narrow, uniquely British register where everyone knows exactly what is meant and nobody is required to acknowledge it directly.

“Is Dave coming to the pub?” “Give him twenty minutes. He’s upstairs bashing the bishop. Said he needed to clear his head before the quiz.” “That is not what clearing your head means.”

“The WiFi’s gone down again.” “Probably Dave. He was bashing the bishop on the landing and the router’s right there.” “I did not need to know that. I did not need to know any of that.”

The phrase reads as gently dated to younger speakers, which is precisely its charm. It belongs to the same era as calling the television “the box” and referring to anything after nine o’clock as “past the watershed.” If you find yourself using it, you are either over forty, from the Midlands, or both. Neither of these is a bad thing.

For those who prefer their euphemisms with a touch more sophistication (or at least a condom), see posh wank. For the version involving genuine peril and a locked bathroom door that may or may not hold, there is always the danger wank. And for a pre-date clearance operation conducted with military discipline, the tactical wank remains the gold standard.

Related terms

Browse the full SmartWank Dictionary for the complete catalogue of British euphemisms. We have, somewhat to our own surprise, built quite the collection. Whether this reflects well on us as a company is not for us to say. Whether it reflects well on the English language is also, frankly, debatable. But here we are, and here you are, and we are all pretending this is a perfectly normal thing to be reading on a Thursday afternoon.